Musings of the King
by TeresaDelay
Summary: A look into Jon's thoughts about Kel and other women of the Court.


Every once in awhile, he thought about how easy it would be. A cock of the head, a touch to the hand and a slight smile, along with a few whispered words, is all he would need. He was well aware of the effect he had on women and aware that after becoming King that effect had only increased. Some of it was conniving on the part of the interested women, but most of it was the power that clung to him wherever he went.

That power was a drug to some women. The little court beauties would be easy, but they never interested him. He always seemed to have these fleeting thoughts with other women, more inappropriate women. His friends, their daughters. Aly was by far the worst. He horrified himself that first time when the passing thought of an affair that he would never go through with and that he did not even truly want flashed through his mind.

Aly had that streak of mysteriousness. He knew it was part act and part the secret keeping she did, rather than any fundamental deception as to who she was. But sometimes she'd arch that eyebrow at him, like she knew so much more than he, and his thoughts would fly to showing her exactly what he knew.

When he first met Daine, and she stammered and blushed, he did what he always did and pretended he didn't notice. But he did. He also noticed what a beauty she would become, though she was still more girl than woman when he first met her. It would be so easy to find her in the forest, to wrap one of her wayward curls around his fingers and explore the softness of her curves.

Buri's fierceness was a draw. He supposed she reminded him a little of Alanna, but there was a sadness in her that she drew on for strength, while Alanna's strength came from a place of pride. That only made those flickers of lust stronger, as for just a minuscule moment in time he thought of soothing the ache inside her.

Midelan though, she was the one that stuck. And he knew, in an odd way, it was because he had attached strong feelings of guilt to her. For all that it was the right decision for a King to make, the man Jon still felt guilty for putting her on probation. He wanted to show her that he cared, and for some reason that meant when he saw her unexpectedly, he had some trouble dislodging those thoughts from his mind. She did not flit through his mind quite as easily as the rest, but stayed for longer scenes.

He was always pleased when the women who entered his thoughts for fleeting seconds of fantasy were no longer available to him. Whenever that happened, those thoughts went away.

Aly came back from the Cooper Isles to see her twin through the Ordeal, and Jon smiled at the way she looked at her husband and laughed, that arched eyebrow no longer having a guilt inducing effect. Thoughts of Daine disappeared far before he realized what she and Numair had become to each other, but no doubt that was because they had become an inseparable unit in his mind. It was impossible to think of one without the other. Unlike Numair and Daine, Raoul and Buri were no surprise to him, and thoughts of her had disappeared long before Mindelan managed to push them together at last.

Mindelan. She was another matter. He feared sometimes that even if she married, that damn smooth face of her would never betray a depth of feeling that would put his mind at peace. And as the rumors of her had been few and far between, and almost always totally unsubstantiated, he wasn't sure that he'd even get a chance to see if marriage would wipe away his lust. Would he always feel a flicker of desire pass through his thoughts when she crossed his path unexpectedly? Would he forever imagine what it would be like to press his lips against hers? To show her that he cared for her by the gentleness with which he slid his hands across the hard planes of her body?

For Mithros' sake, she was to take command of the Own one day, and it wouldn't do for him to have to stifle inappropriate thoughts during council meetings. Yet even with her arm in a sling and her sweaty hair sticking to her forehead in a most unattractive manner and a report of a rather horrendous spidren attack pouring out of her mouth as injured members of the Own were carried through the gates of Pirate's Swoop behind her, his first thought was still to cup her cheek like a lover, not a King, and tell her that everything would be alright.

"That's enough, Lady Knight," he said, his voice commanding rather than husky. "We'll take it from here. Get a proper bandage on your arm and rest until we can heal you. We'll take care of your men."

Thayet was already triaging the men when he walked over to her, sending them all to the Great Hall with strict instructions on who was to be healed first.

"Do you need me out here?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Go help Alanna. There's quite a few who are in need of quick healing."

He nodded, pausing to place his hand against the small of her back in a gesture of comfort before jogging to the Great Hall. He knew she was kicking herself for not going out to meet the Riders.

Once he arrived, he joined Alanna and Eleni as they worked their way down the line of the most wounded. George and several others were bandaging those in need of less help. When they'd finished what they could do for the moment, he walked to the end of the row of cots that had been dragged out and found Midelan sitting in a corner next to the water, staring at the member of the Own at the end and chewing on her lip, the amount of feeling in her normally stony face breathtaking. She was also unnaturally pale, and he could see that she still wore the grimy makeshift bandage she'd had when she'd first reported to him.

She didn't notice him, so he grabbed a clean bandage, a cloth and some cleaning solution along with a glass of water and a biscuit before returning to her.

"Didn't I tell you to get some food and a new bandage?" he scolded gently, crouching down beside her.

She jerked, then blushed. "I honestly don't remember, your majesty."

He smiled, then gently undid the sling and peeled off the dirty bandage, hissing slightly when he saw the depth of the wound under it. "You know this is an excellent way to have your entire arm rot off."

"I suppose that is true, your majesty," she replied, her voice sounding far away.

"Who is he?"

"I'm sorry?"

Jon deftly picked pieces of debris out of her wound. "The man at the end."

She bit her lip again. "Domitan of Masbolle."

"Ah, Sir Nealen's cousin."

"Yes, your majesty."

"He's going to be fine, Lady Knight. Alanna was able to save his leg. It'll take him a few weeks before he'll be able to run and move freely, but eventually he'll heal totally."

"I know."

"So, what's wrong?"

"I just—" she stopped suddenly, eyes flying to his face and her mask settling back in place. "It's nothing. He's a good soldier."

His chest squeezed slightly as he realized how little she trusted him. And why should she? When had he ever given her a reason to trust him? True, he'd changed a law at her request, but that was a good decision as King. Laws like that brewed resentment he didn't need, and she was in the right. That alone didn't give her a reason to trust him. "Alanna was my lover, when she was my squire," he said bluntly. "She was captured by Tusaine. This was before we had become lovers, but I at least knew where things were heading. I committed treason to get her back. I remember wondering later if it was because she was a woman. It was. I acted the way I did to protect her and her secret. Any of my male friends would not have been at the same risk from capture, so I might not have acted as I had. But even if we had only been friends and I had no thoughts to being her lover, I would have acted the way I did. Fighting side by side with men who become your comrade and friends creates just as strong of feelings as being lovers does."

"He went down, and my first instinct was to go to him. To give up command and go run to his side."

"But you quelled the instinct, Lady Knight. And that is why you will be a great commander."

She looked unconvinced. He sighed and continued cleaning her wound. "If Sir Nealen had taken the same wound as your sergeant, would you have reacted the same way?"

"I-," Midelan paused, before suddenly smiling at him for the first time. "Yes, your majesty. I would have."

He finished bandaging her and handed her the food and water. "Stop beating yourself up. Your friends committed treason for you. All you did was have a fleeting thought of giving in to an instinct which you controlled. There's no reason to fear those thoughts, and no reason to feel guilt for thoughts over which you have no control."

He stood, and she made a motion as if to speak, then stopped. He frowned, then asked, "What did you want to ask me, Lady Knight?"

"Did things change after you became lovers? Did it become harder to control those instincts?"

Jon raised an eyebrow. "You aren't?"

Kel blushed and shook her head. "I said I thought it was a bad idea, since we work together."

"It wasn't any harder with Alanna after we became lovers. I suppose my instincts towards protecting Thayet are stronger than they are with any others, except my children, but I've always been able to control those instincts. And you, Lady Knight, have at least as much control over your emotions as I do."

"Thank you, your majesty."

"Your welcome," he replied standing slowly and stretching his legs, smiling to himself as he realized he'd never again imagine her in his bed.

He paused. "You do realize what a mess you are making of things, right?"

"Excuse me?"

"I had planned to have you take command of the Own soon since Raoul keeps growling that he is too old to be awakened at all hours of the night, and Domitan here was going to be in line to take over as commander of Third Company eventually. While a covert affair would not be a problem, I doubt either of you will be satisfied for long with that, which means that I will have to finagle some way that the Crown will be able to continue to use Domitan's talents. You certainly keep my job interesting, Lady Knight. That's for certain."

Kel grinned up at him, recognizing his teasing, and he felt the permanent shift in their relationship that this conversation had brought. "I do my best, your majesty."

He laughed and walked away, the weight of his guilt disappearing with the sound of her laughter following behind him.

* * *

**So, this is a little bit random, but given how bad this bout of writer's block has been, I've decided to go with whatever story comes to mind. I liked writing from Jon's point of view, so if people like it, I might do a few more focusing on his thoughts if folks are interested. Though since I've decided to go wherever my flights of fancy take me, who knows what I'll do next. Writing this was the first time I seriously considered writing one of the more unconventional pairings (Jon/Kel obvs), so it's possible that is where I'll go next. Hopefully my flights of fancy eventually lead me back towards corralling Zenobia into her story, but she remains obstinate at the moment...it is perhaps a sign of how far gone I am that I am now mentally dialoging with my characters... **

**_Anyways_, please review! I'd especially like to know if you are interested in Jon's point of view, or interested in a Jon/Kel story from me. And of course, please tell me what you think of this one, positive or negative. Reviews keep me going!**


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